“I stopped waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel and lit that shit up myself”
I saw this quote the other day as I was scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook. My friend had posted a beautiful photo of herself and that was what ultimately got me to stop and take it in. This quote was the caption for the picture and it complimented the picture so perfectly. Though it was a really beautiful picture it was the quote that made me linger just a little bit longer than what was probably necessary.
This quote, these words, the story being told through the picture, all of it got me to thinking about the life that I live. It got me to thinking about the life that I lived in the past, the life that I currently live, and the life I hope to be living in the future. For as long as I can remember I have always wanted to live a life where I was doing things that truly made me happy. Living life on my terms, following my own rules. This happiness wasn’t forced, it wasn’t fake, and it wasn’t inconsistent.
Just pure genuine happiness simply because I was living my dream life.
However, if I’m being honest up until six months ago I wasn’t living life on my terms. I wasn’t following my rules. There wasn’t any pure happiness, in fact all the moments of happiness that I have experienced have been inconsistent. Some days I’m happy, others I’m not. It took me a while to really understand why but now I know it was because I was not living my dream life.
I was never the kid who had a lot of friends, who was even remotely popular, and I most certainly didn’t bother with romantic relationships. It wasn’t because I didn’t care but because I did care. Some would say I may have cared way too much which is why I just chose to stick to myself most of the time. I’ve always been the type of person who values connections that I make with others, I’m attracted to ambition, and I’m inspired by determination. As teenagers these things aren’t necessarily at the top of our list of “rules to live by when I’m older” or “people to surround myself with in my life”, but it was on mine.
It was always on mine which is why I was a late bloomer when it came to living life by society’s rules.
I waited a very long time before I got my first job. I was 21-years-old when I got my first part-time job. The main reason I waited so long was because I was going to school (college) full-time and I wanted to be able to give my all to that journey in my life in order to graduate in four years. Believe it or not since I was 13-years-old it was always a goal of mines to go to college and to graduate in four years. I’m happy to say that I achieved that goal!
I was above the moon landing my first job. I had entered the workforce in a field that I wanted to build a career in, I was making what I had thought at the time was good money, and school was out of the way. I was on my way to living my dream life.
Or so I thought.
I had always wanted to go to graduate school so I applied shortly after graduating from college. The original program I had enrolled got delayed twice so I decided instead of waiting two years to start the next chapter in my life, I would just switch things up. So instead of trying to pursue a career as a Family and Marriage Therapist I decided to pursue a career as a Life Coach. With my new career goal in sight and a more challenging journey up ahead, I left the psychology/counseling world for about a year and took on a job working with the elderly while pursuing my Master’s degree.
While I did enjoy my time working with the elderly it just wasn’t fulfilling to me. I felt like people depended on me in a way that just didn’t feed my soul in a positive way. So, after getting my Master’s degree I left my job working with elders and decided to enter back into the counseling world. In all honesty I was excited to be back to my “original roots” for my career goals, and for a while I was happy at the job. I was doing something that felt right, I was making a difference in the lives of others, and most importantly I was putting my college and Master’s degree to good use.
However, one day I woke up and had negative vibes circulating throughout my body. I went to work early in the morning, came home and did some homework before leaving to go get my nephew from school. No matter what I did I couldn’t distract myself from the negative feelings I was having that day. The next day the feelings didn’t go away they only intensified and as a result I ended up having a very bad day. That night as I laid in bed waiting for morning to come, I took those agonizing 540 minutes of being awake and unable to shut off my brain, to take a step back and evaluate my life thus far.
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Since the age of 13 I had been taking care of everyone around me. I had been taught to put my personal needs and wants aside to make everyone else’s a priority. I was conditioned to “serve” others at the sacrifice of serving myself. Yes, the decision to go to college, to go to graduate school, and to change my career goals were all decisions that I had chosen to make for myself, but they were decisions that I had made out of fear.
Fear of not having a support system to chase after a life that I really wanted for myself. Fear of taking a leap of faith and fighting for the life that I wanted for myself just to end up failing in the end. All of this fear was a result of all of my insecurities that always managed to get the best of me no matter how hard I fought to keep them at bay. I have always been a very insecure person, and even till this day there are still moments when my insecurities get the best of me. Before the beginning of this year I would have never given myself the opportunity to let my dreams take the wheel of my life, but I did.
I’ve spent the past three years training for and attending an amazing international acting competition, which was no easy feat not to mention VERY expensive. I’ve spent the past two years putting myself through a very intensive acting program, and now and able to proudly say I am a part of an exclusive group of actors who have been professionally trained in a very special acting technique. I also started a blog two years ago which was something that I have always wanted to do but put off out of fear of nobody reading it let alone caring what I had to say.
Now, I feel more determined than ever to shut up those voices of insecurity that seem to always have a say in my life.
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At the beginning of the year that’s exactly what I did. My life took a turn for what others might say was the worst, but I say was for the best. I’m an actress and have been for my entire life. I love acting and at 6-years-old I knew I wanted to pursue a career in acting in my adulthood. If it was up to me I would have started my career at 6, but it wasn’t. I fought tooth and nail to get my parents to put me in the industry, but for reasons of their own they never did. So, I left the goal and the dream to be something that I would achieve in my adulthood.
Over the course of my life I have been doing what I can to build and jump start my acting career.
I’ve been in drama club when it felt right, signed on with a local talent and modeling agency in my hometown, took an advance acting class, auditioned for student films, played extras in student films, and much more. I’ve set up a life for myself so that I would be able to live in the “real world” should my acting goals not flourish the way in which I had always envisioned it would, but I’ve also been putting in a lot of hard work to making that dream a reality.
Earlier this year I had an opportunity to take my acting career to the next level but I declined the offer. I declined it because at that moment in my life it made more sense to finish an acting commitment that I had started a year ago, than to throw it all away for a possibility to finally make it into the big leagues.
Yes, I was devastated! Crushed. I have never experienced pain so hurtful before in my life. There were so many days when I didn’t want to get out of bed, when I didn’t want to go to work, or even interact with anyone. There were also days when I wanted to quit my acting class and just give up on the whole acting dream altogether because I felt like I had been fighting for it for so long, but that it would never happen for me.
But I didn’t quit. Instead I took the pain that I felt and I channeled it into my daily life. I forced myself to get out of bed every morning, to go to work, to give 80% of my energy to the kids, to stay focused on school, and to have at least 10% of the will power to do it all again. I did this for six months before I finally decided that it wasn’t enough. I knew what I had to do in order to feel alive again.
I had to quite my secured life and start living my dream life.
So, in February I quit my job because I no longer felt fulfilled. I felt like I had gotten all that I could get out of it and needed to move on with my life. I knew that financially I was going to be struggling, but I needed a change since making the decision to not pack my bags and move to LA earlier this year. So, I quit my job and decided to focus on finishing my acting class. However, even with eliminating one unfulfilling aspect in my life I still felt empty. I was unmotivated to live life to the fullest, I felt no inspiration to chase after my dreams, and there was no determination to see any of my goals through.
I lived my life like this for six months until one day I just woke up and I made the decision to push forward. If I’m being honest that was probably the hardest decision I have ever had to make so far in my life. Six months ago, I was jobless, still pursuing an acting career that was showing no signs of taking me somewhere, and blogging as a way to keep my hope for all my dreams alive. Today I’m still jobless, pursuing an acting that is starting to bring promising opportunities in my way, still blogging as a way to inspire and motivate myself and others to live a happy and fulfilled life for themselves.
Is it hard? Yes. Is it worth it? 1000%
I may not be financially stable right now but the fire to make my life what I want it to be is still burning strong. My life isn’t what I thought it would be when I was 6-years-old, but I’m on my way to fulfilling that promise that I made to myself when I was 6. I may not be living the dream, but I am living my dream life. Chasing after goals that really matter to me and living my life on my terms with my rules. For now, I’m content with where I am in my life. Nothing feels forced. It all feels right.
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It’s not ideal but it’s fulfilling. I take on acting opportunities when I am able to, but for the most part I’m mainly focusing on school and blogging, and that’s more than enough happiness to fill up my cup every morning. I keep telling myself to take it one day at a time, to remain patient, because I know I’ll get to where I have always envisioned myself being one day.
The moral of the story is I’ve spent a good portion of my life chasing the light at the end of the tunnel. Some days I would get really close to the light, other days I felt like I was falling further away from it. After years of trying to prove myself to myself, passing on that acting opportunity reminded me that I have nothing to prove. Not to myself or to anyone else.
I am right where I am supposed to be. It may take some time to fully live the life I’m slowing creating for myself, but I have full confidence that I will get there someday.
Life is a work of art and as one of my favorite artists would say, I’m still working on my masterpiece.
In other words…
I’m no longer waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m lighting that shit up myself.
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-Xo
Kimora