Recently I talked about my sudden desire to fit in somewhere. You can read all about that here. I’ll provide a quick recap though. I’m looking to really start building the foundation for what I want the rest of my life to look like. This includes healthy, happy, and dependable relationships. Lately I have been feeling as though I have been struggling with creating and building these types of relationships. Well, after writing about it, posting it, and getting it off my chest, I don’t feel that way anymore.
In fact I’ve come to realize two things. One, it shouldn’t matter whether or not I feel like I’m a part of the in crowd at work or not. Or if I’m a part of the in crowd anywhere for that matter! The field of work that I am currently in is not what I plan to do for the rest of my life. It’s not the profession I plan to pursue many years down the road, so I don’t necessarily need to start building those relationships and setting that foundation right now.
Yes, it’s always a great thing when we are able to come in contact with people, develop a relationship with at least one person, and have the pleasure and the blessing of carrying those relationships beyond the circumstances they were built under. But my main focus has always been, should, and will continue to be working towards making my dreams come true, and making sure my family is taken care of. I don’t need to be a part of the in crowd to make any of that happen.
Two, I most certainly don’t need validation about who I am or how cool I am from anybody. It took me a while to identify what I was looking for from my peers, but I found it. It was validation…from my peers. I’ve never looked for it before, never thought to seek it from anybody, so I shouldn’t start now just because I was a little paranoid about where I stand with my co-workers. I’ve always known who I was and a small change in my life shouldn’t make me question that.
And I decided that it wouldn’t.
I feel the need to share with you what I experienced after writing that post. I thought it was interesting simply because of how it all played out. I wrote that post two days before posting it, and literally a day later I experienced almost the exact type of situation I was talking about.
Which is kind of ironic, right? I mean here I am thinking that there are potential co-workers who may not like me, who may not want to embrace my presence the way I embrace theirs, and of course that I’m not a part of the in crowd which is made up of co-workers who all get along just fine with one another.
So anywhere here is what happened the day after getting all my anxiety and paranoia off my chest.
The Next Day…
I decided to pick up a couple of shifts this past weekend (bad decision and I will never do that again). One of those shifts was a shift that I do not work. My co-workers? People that I have never worked with as well as people who are a part of the in crowd. Let me start off by saying that before agreeing to work the shift I was under the impression that, that shift specifically was short staffed. Turns out they weren’t. Which made me a tiny bit mad because I don’t like working on my scheduled days off (which is a topic for another day). Not only were they not short staffed, the two people that I would be working with were a part of the in crowd, as mentioned above, and…they were a couple.
Now, the only thing worse than not being a part of the in crowd, or working when you’re not necessarily needed, is working with a couple. I’m sure you can already imagine how this is going to go.
Now remember, I was already feeling uncertain about my position with my co-workers before, but working this shift not only put things in perspective for me, but it made me feel super awkward. I had never worked the shift before so I was looking for a little guidance as what to do, how to interact and assist the residents. Did I get it? Well sure verbally, and while it was sufficient enough, I like when people at least extend the offer to work as a team and really show me how its done. I’m not in high school anymore but that doesn’t mean I don’t still learn best visually.
To make matters worse in addition to not receiving any hands on support, they almost intentionally avoided me the whole time. Well one of them did anyways. Normally I wouldn’t mind because I like to be by myself, and I’ve quickly come to learn that with this type of particular work I work best by myself.
But together they both ignored me for the most part, which is what made the shift as awkward and as uncomfortable as it was. It became very clear very quickly that they were more interested in their time together than making sure I wasn’t confused about anything to do, unsure of how to engage with a resident, or just simply bored out of my mind (and it was a slow day so there wasn’t much to do). So I naturally just left them alone. I pretty much went the rest of the shift doing my own thing and they did the same.
Now here’s the fun part (and yes there is sarcasm when I say this). Break time. I went first to take my 30-minute break, mainly because I already went the whole day not knowing what to do with myself, and at 7:00pm I still had no idea what to do with myself. Also one of my co-workers insisted that I go first, so I did. When I got back from my break, they both went on break! Yes, both of them, as in the two co-workers that I was working with. The ones who were avoiding and ignoring me all shift. Those two co-workers went on break at the same time! They took their 30-minute break together! Which we are not supposed to do. But I didn’t say anything, just bit my tongue and continued to mind my own business.
To make matters even more annoying they took a break that was longer than 30 minutes! Now, I wasn’t there so I can’t prove or disprove anything, but here’s what I’m thinking. They went “on break” together but didn’t clock out at the same time. Instead one of them clocked out for break while the other just hung out with them, and when they clocked back in the other one clocked back out, and they remained together. Which I think would be the most logical reason as to why the break was so long, or at least why I didn’t see or wasn’t able to get in contact with either one of them for nearly an hour.
And thankfully nothing was really going on where I needed their help. And I had the company of the nurse (who also didn’t really pay me any mind the entire shift) to help me if I needed it, but it’s the thought and the principle that matter to me. Neither one them cared that I was on shift and I was basically flying solo. Long story short about the rest of the evening, residents needed us and the nurse and I were helping out to the best of our ability, but our best didn’t prove to be good enough. They quickly stepped in and took over. Which is fine, they know the shift and the residents’ routine better than I do, but I feel like I got cheated out of a learning opportunity.
Oh and I forgot the best part. About 15 minutes before our shift was over a resident called for us. I decided to go and respond. Assisting the resident took a lot longer than I anticipated so I ended up staying nearly 30 minutes after my shift helping the resident out. As for my co-workers? They didn’t check on me…not once, nor did they bother to even stay and wait for me to finish assisting the resident before clocking out and heading home.
Again I’m not mad and I don’t blame them, but whatever happened to teamwork? I mean here I am working a shift that I have never worked before as a favor, and mind you it was on one of my days off, and nobody cares that I’m there. I worked my regular overnight shift literally the day before (which meant I only got two hours of sleep before heading back to work), and I also worked another overnight shift the day before that, which was another one of my days off! And nobody seemed to care to at least stick around and make sure that I was ok?
Needless to say I was over it and over my co-workers.
End of flashback…
I survived the shift but at the end of the day I felt really let down by my co-workers. And if you’re wondering, though nobody verbally mentioned anything, it was confirmed simply through actions that I was not a part of the in crowd.
I’m human and I’ll admit in the moment I felt a certain type of way. During the drive home I was mad about how my day turned out, especially since I gave myself only one day off so that I could help out. And I won’t lie, I bitched and complained about it the whole drive home, which was about a 20-minute drive. But then I got home and I immediately realized something, I was looking for validation about who I was and how cool of a person I was from people I barely knew.
I felt awkward during the shift because I kept waiting for someone to reach out to me and engage in conversation. I was uncomfortable because out of all the conversations that were taking place, I was not a part of any of them. And nobody even made the slightest attempt to make me a part of them, or even pretend to invite me to be a part of their conversations.
But before stepping through my front door I told myself to let it go.
Shake it off because it did not matter. And that’s what I did. I went in the house, ate a late dinner, and went to sleep with the TV on because I needed the noise to help me pass out. I don’t know why but some nights that’s the only way I can go to sleep.
And that whole day was just the reminder that I needed. I have a plan for myself and my life. I know where I’m going and how I plan to get there, and never once did that plan include seeking validation from others. And yes, there are moments in my life where I feel really lonely. Where I would like a close friend to talk to. Where I would like a cuddle buddy. Or where I would like to know that if I ever wanted to do something fun with someone, I have someone I can depend on to participate with me.
But I’m also young and I have taken a very different path in life than most people do. Naturally that has put me on a different course in life, which means that my experiences are and will be different from that of others, and I will find my place in this world naturally.
And I don’t need validation or approval from anyone about anything. Especially about my self-worth and how I am perceived in the eyes of others. It’s not like I can change their minds anyway. I can do my best to prove them wrong by simply being myself, but people are going to think what they want to think, and it’s not my place to try to make them think otherwise. So long as I am happy with my life, who I am, the things I’m doing and the steps I’m taking to get to where I want to be, fitting in shouldn’t be a worry or a priority. All that should matter is that I know where I’m going and I’m determined to get there.
And I do know where I’m going and I am determined to get there.
When I was younger my parents used to tell my brothers and I that there is a time and a place for everything. I guess this experience is no different. I needed to feel unappreciated and like an outcast in order to understand that not every pit stop on my journey to happiness and fulfillment needs to be a happy and fulfilling one. Not all of my personal life and social experiences along the way will be bad, but not all will be good.
There will be a time and a place for every experience that I have leading up to my end goal. And even after reaching it, there will continue to be a time and a place for the experiences that will take place after that.
And course there’s a reason for everything.
My lesson from this? Everything happens for a reason and there is a reason for everything.
Timing is everything, even if I don’t understand why.
And I write this knowing that I don’t need to understand everything. Sometimes things are the way they are just because…they are. There isn’t a reason and there doesn’t always have to be a reason.
Everything is as it should be.
See you soon love bugs.
-Xo
Kimora