The human mind is so powerful.
I’m currently writing this at 2:45am. I’m at work and I can’t seem to shut my mind off to be able to focus on other tasks. Tasks that don’t necessarily activate me, but they are an important part of my job. Good thing I work overnights (and if I’m being honest I’m not a big fan of this, but it works for my schedule outside of work) and I don’t have a whole lot of responsibilities piled on my plate to keep me from doing this. Otherwise I think I’d be screwed because my mind will not focus on anything other than this.
I learned of some interesting news about some co-workers and it just got me to thinking. Thinking about what? Well, thinking about how we all try so hard to fit in somewhere, to live up to expectations set by others, and most importantly to be liked by everyone.
The real ironic thing about this is that I’ve never been that person. I’ve always had a very clear sense of who I am and I’ve always been very proud of that. I very rarely ever cared what others thought about me, fitting in with others was never a priority of mines, and I most certainly never strived to be liked by everyone.
My parents let me know at a very young age that it doesn’t matter how nice or helpful you are to everyone, there will always be someone who is not your biggest fan. I think knowing and understanding this at such a young age really helped me build thick skin for situations like these (where we care more about how we present ourselves to others, than how much we value ourselves). But I would be in complete denial to not acknowledge that this is changing in me.
The more time I spend around people, the more conscious I am of my presence around them.
And it’s not changing in the sense where I suddenly care. Just in the sense of I’m more aware of my presence among others and the type of impact it could potentially be having on them. I’m more aware of how I present myself to the world when I’m surrounded by others, and how I tend to change from time to time dependent upon who I am surrounded by.
I have always lived in my own little bubble, and very few people ever got access into it. The ones who did were the ones who I really trusted, felt comfortable around, and had every intention of building meaningful, long lasting relationships with. Of course like most things in life some of those people fell out the bubble, others got pushed from the inside to the outside surface. But only very few, and I do mean very few, remain inside this bubble. Those who remain are the ones who have proven their love and loyalty to me, which I will forever be grateful for.
But there’s something about tonight/early morning that keeps tugging at my heartstrings. I do think it’s a healthy mentally to trust, know, embrace, accept, and understand who you are. That includes all the good and bad that you have to offer. But I don’t think it’s healthy mentally to be this way and still exist inside your little bubble.
Which is probably my greatest struggle to date. I just have a really hard time with letting down my guard, being myself around others right off the back, and just trusting myself enough to know that everything will work out the way it should no matter who does or does not take a liking to it.
And I honestly have no idea why I am this way.
For you to really understand where this thinking is coming I have to take you back to the beginning. We’ll do a quick game of catch up.
The Recap…
In December of last year I was able to finally land another job after getting laid off from my last job. I was super excited about this because not only was I going to be making money again to be able to put towards my acting goals, but I saw this as a new opportunity to grow as an individual. I would be getting a more diverse life experience, surrounding myself with new people, and ultimately experiencing a different side of life. This was a good thing for me.
However, after only three months at the job I quickly realized that I was not feeling fulfilled. I started on the day shift, which was great for about a month. Then I switched over to the night shift where I actually began to make friends. This was a good set up for me for a while because I was comfortable, it worked perfectly with my school schedule and personal life, and I was actually getting a good read/understanding of not only the residents, but my co-workers. I was getting then inside scoop on everything, which actually motivated me to go to work for a while.
I mean what could go wrong! Right? Wrong.
Like I mentioned earlier I just wasn’t feeling fulfilled and I thought switching over to the night shift would change this, but it didn’t. It only made things worst. After having a couple of altercations with a couple co-workers, and not receiving much support from my manager, I decided that I would not put myself through the struggle of “just getting by” anymore. One of my co-workers told me about this new elderly community opening down the street and I quickly jumped on it.
Three weeks later I had a new job. And I was even more excited to start this one because they were literally saying everything I wanted to hear. My only hang up about the place was taking a pay cut, which I wasn’t too happy about. But I ultimately decided that I would rather have my happiness and sanity over making good money.
End of Recap
And here I am thinking I’m off to a great start. All the staff seem really nice, I’m getting along with everybody, and in very small ways I am finding a little bit of fulfillment. However, last week I learned of a co-worker who doesn’t like another co-worker. At the time I just brushed it off. I mean not everyone is going to like you, right?
However, after learning of that news I started to notice a difference in the way my other co-workers were acting around me. They went from willingly engaging in conversation with me, to being a little bit more standoffish and quick to make conversations just to end them quickly.
Now, I can hear my older brother already telling me that I’m overthinking and over analyzing everything. And hey, maybe I am. But it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve noticed a difference in our interactions.
And what really got the wheels turning in my head, what really preoccupied my mind all night, and led me to write this post was what I was told tonight. A quick discussion with my on shift co-workers made me realize just how many of my other co-workers were not liked by other co-workers. Of course there were sufficient reasons as to why, and I don’t disagree with them, but it got me to wondering if I was a part of the outside group.
Could I be one of the co-workers that my other co-workers don’t like for reasons that I may not even be aware of?
And what led me to think this is because I specifically stated to the co-workers that I was having this conversation with, “I hope no one thinks that of me”, in which there was a quick (but noticeable) pause, a small smile, and a complete avoidance of the statement. Shortly after that they excused themselves to the bathroom and then headed back to their station.
And I’m completely aware that I could be paranoid, but guys, it just gave me all the wrong feels. Especially when I pair that behavior with the behaviors I picked up on this past week. I mean can you blame me?
Anyway, long story short I find myself caring about what my co-workers actually think of me. I always knew this day would come because lets be honest, I’m a tough girl, I can take a lot of bullshit, but I’m also human. And unfortunately silly things like this get to me every now and then.
The other ironic thing about this is that I’m usually upfront, blunt, and straight forward about confronting people. But for some reason I find myself biting my tongue a lot harder than I usually do. And think it’s due to the fear of what the answer may be if I just came out and asked if I was disliked by anyone.
And basically this has been on my mind all night/early morning.
Which brings me to the question again, why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to go out of our way to be liked by others? Why do we care about fitting in?
I can’t answer this for others but I know for me I think I’m longing for the feeling of what it feels like to fit in. I have never felt like I’ve had a place to fit in. A group to identify with. I’ve always felt like the outcast and I think starting over at my new job I really wanted to change that. And knowing that I may be sucking ass at just doing that, honestly makes me sad, sends my anxiety through the roof, and doesn’t make me as excited to be at this job as I once felt.
Which sucks in a sense because all I want to do is be a good person, give more than I could ever hope to receive, and bring people together through the power of love. And I’m worried that these positive intentions do not come off of me the way I think and intend them to.
Which sucks but I guess that’s just the way of the world sometimes.
Now that I’ve got that off my chest I feel a lot better. I have no doubt that I’ll go home and still think about this from time to time, but at least I won’t be beating myself up the way I was earlier.
I think it’s just a phase I skipped in adolescence that I’m going through now. I’m getting older, closer to where I want to be in life, and I’m ready to create something beautiful for myself. Part of the beautiful vision includes various healthy relationships. And I guess I’m just worried that if I’m not able to create and maintain them now, I never will.
But I’m also aware that I may just be spending too much time in my head. Plus I’m still young! As my elders would say, I still got time. So I guess the real question is, what’s the rush?
I don’t know guys, what do you think? Sound off in the comments below.
Until next time.
-Xo
Kimora