Hi guys!
So I know it’s been a while since I last posted and I apologize. I’ve been super busy with changing jobs, staying on top of school, my acting class, and a bunch of other stuff. But I promise that I did not forget about you guys 😊!
Something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately are the relationships that I have in my life. More specifically the types of relationships and how meaningful those relationships are to me. I’ve always considered myself to be an introvert who can participate in extroverted activities when I feel confident, safe, and secure enough to do so. And if I’m being honest, that’s very rare.
So naturally when I think of meaningful relationships, I think of my family. But then I think of the value of the relationship I have with each member of my family, and I’m not sure how meaningful they are to me. I love and care about my family very much, but I also tend to spend very little time with them.
I was thinking about this because being able to pull real emotions from real people in our lives is a crucial part of the main acting exercise we are learning in my acting class. Now, I’m not completely failing at this but I also don’t feel like I’m doing as well as I would like. Funny enough, my teacher sees progress in me in every single class, but I feel like I’m at a standstill.
She is constantly telling us that it’s an exercise. It’s not meant to be easy, you’re not meant to get it right every single time. Instead it’s something that requires time and effort and nothing more than your full commitment.
I mean she’s amazing guys! She calls us on our all bullshit and I promise you she gets a great pleasure of joy out of doing so (in a positive and effective way), and at the end of the day we all understand that it’s just a part of the exercise. Nothing that gets said is to be taken personal. And a big part of being able to commit to this exercise is being able to know that there is no right or wrong way of completing it, and that you have to be comfortable with being vulnerable.
And that is something that I am not comfortable with being at all!
We’ve been spending the past month really teaching/allowing ourselves to truly wear our emotions on our sleeves, and this has been a big battle for me. Not because I don’t want to be vulnerable, but because I’ve never been encouraged to be vulnerable before. I am comfortable with comforting others when they truly need it, and I do mean when they truly need it, but I’m not comfortable with others comforting me let alone seeing me in a vulnerable state.
I can allow someone to cry, or get out their frustration, vent in any way they need to, and respond appropriately. But I am super uncomfortable with allowing others to do the same for me in return. In fact, I don’t even like crying in front of other people, and I probably honestly have never done so since I was like 12 years old. And in this case family members don’t count, even though I very rarely cry in front of them as well.
So knowing this about myself I got to thinking about the people who matter most to me in life. And when thinking about them I started to think about the type of relationship that I have with them. What does that look like? What does it mean to me? And I found myself sort of at a standstill. They matter to me of course, and our relationships are meaningful, but they’re meaningful in two different ways.
They’re meaningful in the way that I personally interpret our relationship, and they’re meaningful in the way that others interpret our relationship. And 15% of the time there is a slight difference in how they are interpreted because there is always something that I feel I am lacking from the other person in the relationship, or something that I feel I am gaining in the relationship, that others just don’t know about.
When I break this down I have eight different meaningful relationships in my life. All are relationships that I have with my family, except for one which I have with a very dear long distance friend. These relationships are meaningful to me because they have shaped me in some way. They have contributed to me becoming the person that I am today, and they are the reasons I am growing every day. These relationships are a vital part of my life, and in some cases they can even be my life line.
Thinking and knowing about this made me realize that this is where a lot of my vulnerability comes from. It is also where I choose to hide my vulnerability. These people make me feel real emotions, they motivate me, they inspire me, they are my world. But instead of sharing the love and appreciation that I have for them, that I have with them, I hide it all away.
And I’m not sure I know why that is. Maybe it’s because at a very young age I was taught, encouraged, and learned how to be independent, and as a result of that I’m a very independent person. Maybe it’s because I experienced bullying at a very young age, and that made me lock myself away in a jail cell inside my heart as a way to avoid having to feel the pain. Maybe it’s because when I was younger I was always trying to be who everyone wanted me to be, because the thought of ever letting anyone down scared me. Or maybe it was the opposite. Maybe I was so headstrong about staying true to myself that I knew the choices I was making would be disappointing to some people, but I didn’t care because I didn’t want to live my life in chains.
Whatever the reason or reasons may have been, and still be, these are the people who make me vulnerable, and the people I choose to hide that vulnerability from. Making a habit of this has become a set routine for me when it comes to expressing my vulnerability, my emotions to others. I immediately jump back into my childhood, all the things I’ve learned about independence, about rebellion, about pleasing others while trying to stay true to myself. All the life experiences I have experienced as a result of it all, take me back into my childhood and my adolescence when I would close myself off the minute something became too uncomfortable.
And to be able to be a happier person, to tell stories through my acting the way I want to, I need to break free of this fear. I need to stop holding myself back and trust in my vulnerability. I need to find power and strength in that, and I know the only way I am able to do so is if I just stop caring about what the world will think of me, what others will think of me. More importantly what I think my art, my emotions will say about myself.
I’m human, and if my craft is expressed and defined as so, why would that be a bad thing? The truth is that it wouldn’t be. So why I do seem so afraid?
My teacher always says it’s not about getting it right or wrong. It’s about what’s happening in the moment, about being present and living your truth in that moment. Act on your impulses no matter what they may, because it’s authentic, it’s honest, and it’s what you truly feel in that moment.
And being present, living your truth in any given moment, means that you are being vulnerable. Which is something that I have had years of practice of teaching myself. Years of practice of teaching and allowing myself to be vulnerable in my own presence, and almost stone cold in the presence of others.
The moral of the story here is that we can’t take anything we have been blessed with for granted. That includes our families, our friends, our ability to read and write, our breath, our sight, our ability to walk and run, everything. We can’t take it for granted. We have to be appreciative of what we have, what we have been blessed with, and what we could potentially receive.
And not taking those things for granted means we have to not take all the many life moments we experience, no matter how big or small they may be, for granted. Be present and be vulnerable. Live your truth in every moment that you have. Don’t worry about getting anything right, or doing something wrong. Instead choose to be the most authentic version of you possible. Not only is it more attractive, but it’s more relatable.
And that’s something I have learned over the past month and I’m sure as I continue to grow in many different areas and aspects of my life, it’s something that I will continue to practice. And I encourage you all to do the same as well.
So be thankful, be mindful, and be appreciative of the things you have. Live in the moments you create and that are created for you. And most importantly be vulnerable. There is no shame vulnerability. We’re all only human after all.
See you soon love bugs.
-Xo
Kimora