Beauty is Always Within

Hey guys.

So, a couple of weeks ago, I was watching an episode of The Real (which I pretty much watch every day) and as usual there were some pretty interesting topics being discussed at the table during girl chat.

One topic that stood out to me the most was the topic of hair.

Now, I feel so silly just writing about this because it’s crazy how much emphasis society puts on hair. I mean it’s just hair, right? Yes, I can understand being intrigued by other peoples’ hair color and texture, but please do not be mistaken, there is a difference between admiring something and comparing.

So just a recap for those of you who do not watch The Real (shame on you!) there was a study done about hair. Specifically natural hair. There was a photo posted (on a website I think for the study) of a black woman with her hair both straightened and natural which started the conversation hair. It turns out that women who decide to wear their hair natural faced bias, specifically from white women who found it to be less sexy and attractive.

I can relate to this from personal experience in so many ways! All my life I have felt embarrassed and ashamed of my hair. I have super thick hair…. But that’s like really it, haha. I don’t have curls throughout my hair, and by throughout, I mean every now and then there is a tight curl but for the most part I have no curls.

Unfortunately.

My hair is also so thick that even when I apply heat to it, after it cools down it immediately starts to transition back to its natural state. So, when I would straighten my hair if I wanted it to last a while I would have to go over that section of hair several times just ensure that it would stay as straight as possible. And this usually would take anywhere from an hour to an hour and a half to do.

Nobody should spend that much unnecessary time on their hair! But I did, because I was really into the straight hair look.

As I’m sure you can imagine this was a frustrating and depressing process because little did I know that my desperate attempt to have “beautiful hair” was also damaging my own unique pattern and texture.

And I know some of you may be wondering well why is this such an important topic? Why do we care to discuss hair? To be honest it’s really not that important of a topic, and no one should care to discuss hair unless your intention is to educate others about it. But for me it matters, and I think to some people out there this topic is of importance to them as well.

For you to understand my story better I have to take you way back to the beginning.

When I was younger I would say I had naturally long (shoulder blade length) healthy hair. I grew up a huge tomboy so as you can imagine my hair was the least of my worries. None the less my hair was kept in protective hairstyles, usually braids, washed regularly, and my scalp was always nice and clean (and hydrated).

Then came the moment in my life that would change everything. It was the day before the first day of school (6^th grade) and my dad decided I needed a more “mature and grown up” look. What was his suggestion? To cut my hair!

Literally cut it all off.

I begged, and I cried, and I pleaded for him to not cut my hair. I tried to outright refuse but at the time I had no power over (or at least I lacked the confidence of knowing that I had the power) my body, my life, and my image. So after about 30 minutes of questioning and crying, he finally got me in the bathroom, took the razor and scissors to my head, and cut off all my hair.

And we’re not talking about a cute little bob cut, or even taking off a couple of inches and letting my hair rest on my shoulders. When I say he cut off all my hair, I mean he cut off all my hair. I had what can be easily described as a short buzz cut in the back (which was actually half my head) and a mushroom top on top (which was still cut so short it barely reached the top of my ears).

Now I’m sure if I cared enough at the time to give my hair more TLC than I was used to, it would have been a cute style. But I was only 13, I cared more about playing and school and making my future a bright one than I did about the way people saw me.

So yes, I did not want the cut, but I still to some extent did not care what people thought of me.

At least that’s what I thought until I looked at myself for the first time in the mirror. I didn’t recognize myself at all. I heard him say he was all done, felt him come my hair, put away the clippers and walk out the bathroom. It was then, and only then did I find a little bit of courage to look at myself in the mirror. Not even three seconds had past and I broke down in tears.

One of the hardest parts about growing up was that I never felt comfortable enough to cry because every time I did there was the verbal response “stop crying before I give you something to cry about”. So, I quickly wiped my tears away and retreated into my moms’ room. I sat at the foot of her bed, turned the TV on, and quietly cried over the loss of my hair.

My mom came home about ten minutes later and asked why I was crying. When she noticed my hair she asked my dad why he cut my hair, in which his response was the same thing he had told me. We left that moment as it was and somehow moved on with life holding everything that should have been said inside.

And yes I did get picked on by the other kids at school. I got called ugly, bald headed, kicked at, stuff was thrown at me, I was told I looked like a boy and was even referred to as a boy multiple times. I mean people just outright teased me for that whole year. For an entire year I had to deal with being bullied by both, boys and girls, and it was all because of my hair.

How pathetic that was now that I’m older and I look back and reflect on that period of my life.

Once it became long enough I quickly went back to wearing my hair in braids. But after the year of torture I never felt confident enough to wear my hair as I once did. I didn’t wash it as often, I stopped making sure my scalp was oiled, and there were even times when I wouldn’t wrap my hair at night because I felt it didn’t matter.

Bad decision because my hair started breaking off like crazy!

Middle school came and went and my hair grew little by little. However, since the drastic haircut my hair texture just never seemed the same. Upon entering high school (really it was about 8^th grade) I started to get perms and relaxers on a consistent basis. Every time I got a perm or relaxer, I would get a “trimming”, which really was another miniature haircut.

This carried on for an out three years when I discovered the hair straighter. Then I adopted the habit of straightening my hair every day. In addition to straightening it I also went back to wearing my hair in braids. So, I was using the hair straightener whenever I was wearing my hair in braids for a while, or when I was wearing my hair outside of braids.

But even while still straightening my hair, once I got back into the habit of wearing my hair in braids again, I never wore my hair outside of braids ever again. And what I mean by this is that every time it was time to “wash my hair” (I had adopted an unhealthy routine) and take down the braids, they immediately went back in braids the next day, sometimes the day of.

I didn’t realize at the time how much damage I was doing to my hair, but to some extent I didn’t care. So long as I could feel the hair at least to my shoulders I could care less about how I maintained it.

Big mistake!

My hair was so weak, damaged, and under nourished that I didn’t understand the stress I was putting my hair and scalp through. I didn’t understand why my hair was dry all the time, or why I would get random scabs on my head, or why it itched so bad. I had been told countless times it was because my hair didn’t have any proper nourishment, but I had reached and became accustomed to the idea that my hair wasn’t beautiful that I truly believed deep down inside it didn’t matter what I did to my hair.

I would always be seen and known as the ugly, bald headed girl/boy, and my hair would never be long and healthy ever again. So, I ignored the encouragement and advice to take better care of my hair.

I wish I knew then what I know now. The women of The Real joked about the perception and lack of understanding people had about natural hair (in a fun and safe, I promise no offense could be taken), but the truth of the matter was natural hair is hard to maintain. In order to maintain it you must be knowledgeable of it, which was something that I lacked a lot of during my adolescence.

Upon graduating from college and starting graduate school (a year ago,) I decided that I no longer wanted to lack the confidence and comfortability about my hair. So I did some research on my hair and how to restore its natural health and state, and made the commitment to stick to it. So, on my birthday back in 2015 I cut off all my hair (hopefully for the last time) and started off on my natural hair journey.

I’ve been at it for almost a year now (may actually be a year) and I can honestly say that a lot of the changes in my hair care routine that I have made has encouraged me to see and feel different about my hair.

Its healthier than it has ever been and though I’m not seeing much length yet (in its natural state) I notice the change in how my hair has reacted to this new process. I don’t overuse on unnecessary products, my hair doesn’t suck out all the moisture in one sitting, it doesn’t itch as much (only when I’ve gone longer than a week of washing my hair), and it’s so much thicker!

I’m still learning how to tame and style it but caring for natural hair is a process people.

I’m still new to this community and lifestyle so there’s still a lot about the process and care taking that I’m learning. But I can honestly say that I have had a major growth in my comfortability with my hair. A huge increase in my confidence about my hair.

I don’t care or stress over the length anymore, or even what people think of me or how they perceive me. All that I care about is continuing to grow and feel more and more comfortable and confident about my hair with each passing day, and that’s something I think I am accomplishing every day.

Moral of the story here, our hair does not define us. We should all allow ourselves to be comfortable enough to wear our hair how we want, in styles we find comfortable, and not have to worry about being compared to others, or having our hair texture criticized, or even facing backlash for not having “sexy or attractive” hair.

And who the hell has the authority to tell any woman whether or not their hair is sexy or attractive?

I say this all the time, we are different for a reason. Love and embrace your hair. Love and embrace yourself always. I’ve learned to and I’m still learning to. I encourage you all to do the same (if you already haven’t).

At the end of the day we are not our hair, we are just us.

-Xo

Kimora