November has finally settled upon us. That means it’s that time of year when you count your blessings and you appreciate everything you have been given. For a lot of people this is the month for being thankful. Thankful of the life you live, for the fact that you have a place to call home, for the people in your life, for the job you have, for your family no matter how much they get on your nerves, and for the things you have that make your life comfortable.
There are a lot of things I’m thankful for. Far too many for me list here in one blog. However, one of the biggest things I’m thankful for that I often do take for granted at times, is the people that make up my social world.
I don’t consider myself to be the type of person who has a lot of friends. I also don’t consider myself to really be the social type. This is mainly due to my extreme level of social anxiety, which often times pushes me into a shell that’s hard for me to crawl out of. This makes it hard for me to allow myself to open up to others and to build meaningful relationships, because I just never really know what people think of me. Especially when it comes to first impressions.
My current social circle consists of my family. That includes my mother, my dad, my grandma, four brothers, two of my brothers’ girlfriends (different brothers, different girlfriends), a nephew and a niece, and my nephew’s mom. These are the people that I socialize with on a daily basis and am always surrounded by. Anything I do in my life I do with them, and they are by far m biggest supporters.
Being close to your family isn’t a bad thing, I do want to make note of that. Sometimes it gets overwhelming having to be around them all the time, but they are my comfort zone and the people that I trust and rely on the most. Most certainly the people that I put before anyone else, and I like to believe that the feeling is mutual.
It’s funny because I do value my family and those genuine relationships we were able to build with one another as we aged. But until recently I never considered my family to be a part of my social circle. I’ve always associated our social counterparts to be those who exist and are important parts of our lives outside of our family.
For me this would have been a major failure if that was the case.
I do have friends. People that I believe I have a genuine connection with. People who know personal things about me, I participate in activities with, and people who have been introduced to the most vulnerable part of my life, my family.
But these friendships for me seem to be more situational. They very rarely ever extend past the circumstances they were created under. Which I know isn’t fair to them, but to push myself beyond the capacity of just being present, of simply introducing myself and walking away with the attitude of “whatever happens will happen”, is truly a struggle for me. Anyone who struggles with social anxiety, or just anxiety in general for that matter, knows what I’m talking about.
The other day I reunited with a friend and some acquaintances from a previous job I had. It was meant to be a chance to catch up with one another, figure out where our lives have taken us since we left, and to build upon our relationships. The problem with the whole situation was that I was only really friends with one of them. The other two left before I really had a chance to get to know them, for them to get to know me, and to really let a genuine relationship naturally unfold from our interactions.
As I’m sure you can imagine this was extremely awkward for me. I went in with good intentions, with a positive mindset, and every intent to have a beautiful outcome. In my mind, I kept telling myself “I can do this”. I lost count of how many times I had to count to ten in my head, how many deep breaths I had to take, and how long it actually took me to just walk through the door! But the minute I saw all three of them patiently sitting at the table clearly awaiting my arrival, my anxiety crept up like the little sneak that it is.
As happy as I was to see them I just couldn’t shake the anxiety that was slowing building up within me. I’m sure they took notice of my discomfort, but being the polite ladies that they are, I think they tried to work around it. I hate that I can’t read peoples mind (If I could have any superpower this would definitely be one of them). In the end, I understand that it wasn’t them, they truly are lovely people, it was me and my inability to tell my anxiety to “suck it” and allow myself to have a good time.
I do hope that my friend and those lovely ladies know that I appreciate and value them for the little moments we have had together. I also hope they understand that allowing myself to completely open up to them and let them be a stable part of my life, is a battle against my anxiety that I’m fighting hard to win.
I am thankful for the people who make up my social world. The people who know my heart, have tasted my spirit, and have witnessed my undeniable soul.
Though my social circle isn’t big I wouldn’t change the size or the people who make it up for anything in the world. They have all been a part of my life for one reason or another (some most certainly not by choice). But by them choosing to stick around, and being patient with my level of comfort, I know that every day I become more of a better person because of them.
As the years goes by I hope to expand my social circle, because as humans we never stop growing in character, and I never want to stop learning or connecting with others.
And if you’re reading this just know no matter who you are, or where you are, by you simply reading this has opened a door for communication and connection. And for that I am thankful for you and your courage to be able to do so.
-Xo
Kimora